Find the Sugar

Today I'm really struggling, finding it hard to do anything.  The sadness is so consuming.  I was looking at places to live today, other states, but then after a while realized that moving would change nothing.  My problems will follow me.  Why does it seem like such a good idea to run away?  At times I feel like giving up, but then I see my children and know I have to find hope.  I have to see that what is important, I already have and what is bringing me sadness means nothing in the big picture.  Why is sacrifice so hard?  What does sacrifice really mean?  Mother Teresa says "A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."  Do I really practice the type of sacrifice she speaks of?  I may think I do and often feel as though I do it all, but do I really sacrifice the way God wants me to? 

There are many things about myself that I simply don't like!  I don't like my weight!  I don't like that I complain!  And I definitely don't like that I am a jealous person!!!!  I really don't like that!!!  God has blessed me and even though I don't have the life I thought I would, doesn't mean that the life I think I should have is really all it is cracked up to be.  A few days ago someone said to me that everything will work out with my financial and personal struggles because God wants me to be happy.  I agree God does want me to be happy, but what if those struggles are what brings me to happiness with God.  Maybe God doesn't want us to own a house, or drive a car, or eat the foods we think we should.  Maybe His plan is more simple.  God asks each of us to do different things with our lives.  He asks some to give up everything and share His word with others.  He asks some to leave this Earth at a young age to join Him in heaven, we may not see that plan, but God knows what the purpose was.  Do I find comfort in the fact that God has a plan for me.....yes I do, but I don't think His plan includes the things I was hoping it work.  Now to let go of everything I thought I needed in this life and trust that only what I need will be given to me. 

Well that was a long way to get to say.....I am jealous.  I am jealous of the talents of others, the lives of others, the attention others receive.  I HATE that about myself, I really really do, but I struggle very much to let go of it.  Oh I really should go read Mother Angelica's story again.  It would be a good read for anyone.  To see what happens when we follow God's plan!  I will go find it and start reading and hopefully God will speak to me. 

Well to be honest, clutter rules my life.  I spend more time dealing with clutter than I do playing with my children or sewing or do anything else that I enjoy.  Where did it come from?  Well some from yard sales, some from family members, some from my childhood, some from freecycle, and some from thrift shops and stores.  Do I need it all?  Probably not.  Why do I still have it?  I can't stand the thought of getting rid of something.  I have given things away on freecycle and then after they are gone stressed and dealt with nightmares that it is gone.  This sounds crazy, but it is how things are.  Later today my older daughter and I are going to clean out the "toy room" and turn it into a craft and sewing room and a storage space for my business materials.  It is an odd shaped room, with limited space, but I think it will work.  The problem....too much stuff is currently stored in there.  I want to say that I will get rid of it all to make the room functional, but I don't think that is going to happen.  I will probably move it to another room, which I will then have to clean.  I'm the daughter of a hoarder and the mother of a young hoarder.  The goal is to find a "cure".  It is a process, but one that I know will end in happiness.  I know I will never be happy moving stuff from room to room to room to room.  

I struggling to enjoy each day.  I worry about tomorrow and think about all the mistakes of yesterday.  I am always looking forward to something or thinking when an event happens I will be happier, but I completely forget to enjoy this exact moment.  I'm not sure how to change this "habit" of mine.  If I come up with something, I will let you know!  In the meantime, enjoy your day!

As I sat on the bed crying and wondering how to fix my marriage my eyes fell upon a book that I enjoy.  I don't read it often enough and I certainly don't really listen to what it has to say, but if only I could find a way to do that, my life would be so much more pleasant.  To the left is a link to the book, "  I will in a future post let you know the pages I enjoy most.  For now I need to think about my marriage.  


I married young....20 years old.  He and I only knew each other 2 months when we were married.  We eloped and moved to the military base where he was stationed.  We had a lot of learning to do about life and marriage and each other.  We had more good times than bad in our relationship, but the stress of recent months has put a large weight on my relationship.  I work full time now because finances are so bad.  I don't mind working, but it has added a great deal of stress to our lives.  I take care of the children during the day, do chores, and work, then I go out on appointments at night.  I'm up early and up late and get very little sleep.  Hubby hasn't changed his routine at all.  He goes to bed early, gets up early, works, and then comes home to play games or sleep.  In 12 years he has let me handle everything.....complaining people, where to put furniture, raising the girls, making the meals, everything.....and I'm beat.  I just can't do it all anymore.  I can't.  It's like a pair of spandex pants, it can stretch pretty far under some pretty big weight, but at some point it is not to rip or hurt the person wearing it.  I feel like I'm drowning without any sign of a life boat near by.  I tell him how I feel and it gets me no where.  What do I do?  I do love him, but I just can't do it all anymore.  I feel like his mother, I take care of him, do things for him, and he even hugs me like I'm his mom by burying his head in my chest.  I even went into our room and took out my pillow and blanket in hopes that he would talk to me and work on our relationship, but he just rolled over and went to bed.  So now it is up to me to find my sugar.


I'm going to go and bake my daughter's birthday cake now and think about what path I should take, what choices I have, and how I can find my sugar to add to these lemons.

We have at least heard it, if we haven't said it ourselves..... "Easier said than done".  I feel that way today.  I was very good about staying away from the computer and focusing on my family.  Today my younger daughter and I worked all day on a pinata for her birthday party tomorrow.  Let me tell you, if you ever want to make one, plan ahead and do it a week in advance!  Anyway, I spent time with my daughters most of the day while still getting a lot done around the house (it is amazing what you can do without games to get in the way!).  I was calm, relaxed and enjoying the day until hubby arrived him.  I understand he is sick and things are hard for him, but frusterating builds in me as he sleeps on the couch while I continue working.  And one sentence always sets me off "I don't know what you want me to do"....really, all the lists I make, all the things you know that need to get done and you don't have a clue as to what to do....really?!?!?!?  This is an area I need to work on and it will be part of my "Today's Sugar" for tomorrow.  Stay tuned!  It's hot today, so enjoy that Lemonade!

....make lemonade.  This website is about finding the sugar!  There is this cute flair on Facebook that says "Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck"....it is funny and true, even though I don't particularly care for that last word.  My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would.  For a while I felt sorry for myself, depressed, even thought of taking my own life.....but then something happened, I realized that life isn't about what I thought it was.  God doesn't care if I own a house, make great money, go on vacation, drive a car, or even if I have nice clothes.  God only asks that I know, love, and serve Him.  He will give me today exactly what I NEED, not what I want.  How empowered I felt!  Realizing that I don't need all the things I thought I did to be happy.  This site is about exploring that concept and sharing with others my journey and thoughts.  Hopefully together we can find some sugar!